Why Avoiding Conflict Is Slowly Destroying Your Relationships
A simple first step toward repair
Hi Friend,
Conflict makes most of us uncomfortable—that's completely normal.
But if you find yourself going to great lengths to avoid even minor disagreements or difficult conversations, you might be doing more harm than good to your relationships.
The goal isn't to become someone who thrives on arguments, but rather to understand what's driving your avoidance and how it might be quietly undermining the connections that matter most to you.
Conflict is really uncomfortable and can feel unsafe. Remember, your brain's job is to protect you, and in the moment it can feel much better to avoid conflict rather than engage. Running away seems like the natural response.
There's always that hope that with time, the conflict will simply disappear.
It won't.
Then there's the "can't we just agree to disagree and move on?" approach.
That doesn't work either.
The Gender Dynamics at Play
Research consistently shows a common pattern in heterosexual relationships: men tend to withdraw and women tend to pursue when they are in intimate relationships. This isn't because men want to avoid their partners or because women enjoy arguing.
The Gottman Institute explains that these tendencies are wired into our physiology and reflect a basic gender difference.
When women seek to address relationship issues, they're driven by a genuine desire to repair and reconnect. Because women are more socialized to be affiliative and seek more closeness with their partners, they are inherently at a disadvantage because they rely on their partners for what they need in a relationship.
Meanwhile, men often react to disagreements with more signs of physiological stress than women do, and thus, they have been shown to be more likely to stonewall than women, often in an attempt to remain neutral or avoid conflict.
The Cost of Running Away
When someone runs away from conflict, the repair work never gets done and without repair we don't have connection. And, we all want connection in our relationships.
When you're walking away, you're focused on self-soothing, processing your hurt, managing your shame, and taking care of yourself.
What you're not doing is attending to your partner.
You're consumed with your own thoughts and how the other person wronged you in some way.
Walking away from conflict abandons your partner, leaving them feeling like their needs don't matter or aren't valued in the relationship.
Often, when someone walks away from conflict, it's to buy time and continue avoiding. They distract themselves with their phone, TV, alcohol, video games, exercise, or some other vice, hoping the issue will just disappear.
It never does.
The Health Impact
Studies show that people who habitually avoid conflict experience higher levels of anxiety, stress, and depression - but so do their partners who are left behind.
The chronic stress of unresolved relationship issues actually keeps our bodies in a state of high alert, with elevated cortisol levels that can impact everything from our immune system to our cardiovascular health.
Slowly, you learn that there's never a good time to bring up anything difficult. You start keeping things to yourself. The distance grows.
Why Our Bodies React So Strongly
Difficult conversations trigger a very real physiological response. When we perceive conflict as threatening, our hypothalamus activates the sympathetic nervous system, flooding our bodies with stress hormones like adrenaline and cortisol.
Our heart beats faster, blood pressure rises, and we start breathing more rapidly - it's the classic fight-or-flight response.
So when someone we love is upset about something, and we can feel that tension building, walking away feels like self-preservation. It feels reasonable. It feels like the mature thing to do.
The Reality About Conflict in Relationships
Conflict is normal in relationships. It's rare for any relationship to exist without disagreements—from minor issues like paint colors to major differences about parenting approaches. Having conflict doesn't mean your relationship is broken.
The dysfunction occurs when partners consistently avoid working through these conflicts.
When someone avoids conflict, they're showing their partner that they're unwilling to do the difficult emotional work needed to understand why their loved one is upset.
Through their actions, they're communicating that they don't care about their partner's problems, feelings, or needs.
Nobody is ever angry just to be angry. There's always an unmet need beneath the emotion.
When one partner expresses an unmet need and the other ignores it by walking away, it creates tremendous pain and resentment.
The Unintended Message
Every time someone walks away from conflict, they're sending a message they probably never intended to send.
They're saying: Your feelings aren't worth my discomfort.
While they're busy taking care of themselves - decompressing, doing something that feels better, waiting for things to "blow over" - their partner is left with all the evidence they need to determine whether this relationship is safe.
And the evidence says: When things get hard, I'll be alone.
What Research Tells Us
Dr. John Gottman's research identified "stonewalling" - withdrawing and shutting down during conflict - as one of the four most destructive communication patterns in relationships. His studies showed that couples who consistently use stonewalling are significantly more likely to divorce.
Even more concerning, research has found that people who regularly experience stonewalling from their partners can suffer physical health effects, including weakened immune systems.
The Misguided Protection
The person who walks away usually thinks they're protecting the relationship. They're preventing things from escalating. They're being the bigger person.
But what they're actually doing is teaching their partner that there will never be a safe time to address problems. They're creating a dynamic where one person holds all the emotional responsibility while the other gets to opt out whenever things feel uncomfortable.
It's not intentional. It's not malicious. But the impact is the same: trust erodes, resentment builds, and intimacy dies.
The avoider thinks they're keeping the peace. The other partner feels increasingly alone and unheard. Both people end up miserable, wondering how they got so disconnected.
And the tragic part is that it's completely fixable - if both people are willing to do the work.
The Power of Repair
When partners are committed to repairing issues and can be trusted to help ease each other's pain, then every disagreement becomes an opportunity to demonstrate love and trustworthiness. Again and again.
This consistent trust-building behavior strengthens relationships over time.
Understanding Different Perspectives
Two people in a relationship will experience conflict in completely different ways, and we each tend to believe our perspective is correct.
In any conflict, there isn't a right or wrong side. Everything you're thinking and feeling during a disagreement with your partner is valid. No question. AND everything they're thinking and feeling is equally valid.
This is how we navigate conflict effectively. It's not a competition about who's right—it's about bridging the gap between different experiences.
Most importantly, through self-regulation, empathy, and asking deeper questions, we can identify the underlying need so both partners can truly acknowledge each other's experience.
A Simple First Step
For the avoider, one easy way of demonstrating to your partner that you're willing to discuss the issue at hand is to commit to do so. It just might not be right now.
Simply saying "I can see this is important to you and because I love you, this issue is also important to me. I'm not feeling quite ready to talk about this right now. My commitment to you is to come to you within the next 24 hours to discuss."
This gives the avoider the time and space to self regulate and the capacity to engage in a meaningful discussion.
What Thriving Couples Do Differently
The couples who thrive aren't the ones who never fight. They're the ones who have learned how to repair things together.
A study published in Psychological Science found that individuals who regularly engaged in healthy conflict resolution had higher relationship satisfaction and emotional well-being than those who avoided conflict.
Another study of over 2,000 people aged 33 to 84 discovered that those who intentionally resolved daily conflicts reported decreased stress and fewer negative emotions.
When conflict arises, thriving couples don't run toward comfort - they run toward each other. They've learned that temporary discomfort is worth it if it means staying connected.
They understand that every difficult conversation is an opportunity to prove their love and trustworthiness. To show their partner: When you're in pain, I'll sit with you until we figure it out together.
The Magic of Staying Present
The magic happens when someone chooses to stay present instead of walking away. When they ask: What do you need from me right now? instead of finding an excuse to leave.
It's not comfortable. It probably never will be. But that's not the point.
The point is showing the person you love that they matter more than your momentary discomfort. That their feelings are worth sitting with, even when it's hard.
It's painful to hear that something you've done hurts the person you love. It can feel like you've failed at what matters most. This is the person you've chosen for life, and you're hearing that you've caused them pain. That creates its own wound.
But when we refuse to engage in conflict and ask "what do you need from me?" Our avoidance sends a devastating message: that we love ourselves more than our partner, that we don't care about their pain, and that we only care about soothing our own discomfort.
The message becomes: "You can always count on me to leave whenever things get difficult. I'll only engage when I feel better."
Moving Forward
If you recognize this pattern in your own relationship - whether you're the one walking away or the one being left behind - know that change is possible.
It starts with awareness. It continues with small, brave choices to stay present when everything in you wants to run.
The next time conflict arises, try staying for just five more minutes. Try asking one curious question instead of finding an excuse to leave. Try remembering that the person you love isn't trying to hurt you - they're asking for your help.
And you might be surprised by what happens when you stop running and start staying.
But knowing you need to stay is just the beginning.
Next week, I'm going to show you exactly how to transform conflict from something that divides you into something that brings you closer together. I'll share the specific words that can turn a defensive argument into a meaningful conversation, the questions that help you understand what your partner really needs, and the proven techniques that help couples not just survive conflict—but actually strengthen their bond through it.
If you've ever wondered what to say when emotions are running high, or how to create safety when everything feels like an attack, you won't want to miss it.
With love,
Katherine